Speaking Corporate Wankenese
Corporate Jargon Every Grad Needs to Know
That first ‘big boy’ job is a massive milestone. You get some decent pay, a few perks, and can finally stop pouring beers at your local. But, it’s not all fun and games. You’ve got projects and responsibilities. A lot is required of you.
One such requirement is the ability to speak multiple languages. Yes, that’s right. English, of course, however, another dialect demands near-native fluency. What is it? Corporate Wankanese. The language used by team leaders, managers, and executives alike in offices across the globe. So it’s time to put down the Duolingo and shift your focus toward the Lukewarm Regards Corporate Jargon dictionary. Merriam-Webster better sleep with one eye open.
This resource is for any grad wanting to upskill their corporate speak, so if you know anyone who needs it, forward this email their way!
‘Action Item’
Means: A specific task or item that needs to be completed.
Example: “Thanks, everyone for your time today, I’ll send around meeting notes and action items.”
Translation: You need to get this done on time…
‘Above My Pay Grade’
Means: Outside the scope of responsibility and/or needs to be addressed higher-up.
Example: Mark (50 years old) is asked to help implement new software: “Yeah this is way above my paygrade, I’m sure one of those Tik Tok addicted interns can help.”
Translation:
I don’t care enough to help and/or am completely clueless so I’m offloading this to someone else.
‘Backburner’
Means: A task or responsibility that you will revisit at a later date.
Example: “I’ve put that (task) on the back burner for now.”
Translation: I’ve forgotten about that task and can’t finish it in time and I have other projects that are a higher priority.
‘Bandwidth’
Means: Capacity or availability to take on additional projects.
Example: “Got any bandwidth to lend a hand on this project?”
Translation:
I’m a knob and am trying to sound like a ‘tech bro’.
I’m a knob working on a shitty project and am trying to make it sound more important than it is.
‘Best Practice’
Means: A method or technique that is widely regarded as being the most effective or efficient.
Example: “I think best practice would be to ban Dianne from the office kitchen.”
Translation:
I’m insecure and am trying to sound like I have some authority.
I have authority and think this is indisputably the best decision and nothing can change that.
‘Blue-Sky Thinking’
Means: Brainstorming without constraints or limitations.
Example: New year CEO pump up speech - ” We’re hungry for an even better year than last. It’s not just thinking outside the box that will get us there, but next level, Blue Sky thinking.”
Translation:
Fuck, we could really use some new ideas, couldn’t we?
‘Circle-Back’
Means: To revisit a topic or discussion at a later time.
Example: “Let’s circle back to that a little later.”
Translation:
I cannot deal with your whinging bullshit right now.
‘Core Competency’
Means: An organisation’s or person's strengths, including skills, knowledge, and capabilities.
Example: Performance review - “These are your core competencies, so you should be able to complete this level of work relatively easily, and without me having to check every detail.”
Translation:
The stuff you don’t suck at.
‘Drill Down’
Means: To delve deeper into a topic or issue to gain more understanding.
Example: “I really need you to drill down and provide further context around the performance outcomes.”
Translation:
I have no clue what’s going on so I’m scrambling for answers.
‘Ducks in a Row’
Means: Organising everything, and getting it under control.
Example: “If we get all our ducks in a row, we will pull off an outstanding result.”
Translation:
If all the puzzle pieces come together, in the order we need, we can get a good result.
‘Herding Cats’
Means: A negative phrase used by managers to describe a team that is difficult to deal with.
Example: “Getting Simon to do his work is like herding cats.”
Translation:
Fuck you’re difficult to deal with.
‘In the Loop’
Meaning: Being informed in relevant discussions or decisions.
Example: “Yeah mate we’ll keep you in the loop.”
Translation:
Yeah, you probably won’t be kept in the loop, we just want you to feel valued.
‘Leverage’
Meaning: Using something to maximum advantage or effectiveness
Example: “We can really leverage our Grads here and get this project done.”
Translation:
You are cheap labour and no one else wants to take on this project cause it’s super monotonous.
‘Low-Hanging Fruit’
Meaning: Easy or quick wins that can be accomplished with minimal effort.
Example: “Let’s get Simon to manage these clients, it will be a good test to see if he can convert the low-hanging fruit.”
Translation:
Surely he can’t fuck this one up.
‘Move the Goalposts’
Meaning: Changing the rules to gain an advantage for yourself and make it more difficult for others.
Example: “Due to unforeseen circumstances, we’ve had to move the goalposts and now you need to do X, Y, Z.”
Translation:
We really had no idea what we were doing at the start, sorry you did all that work for no reason. It was a complete waste of time.
‘On the Same Page’
Meaning: In agreement or understanding of a particular topic or plan.
Example: “Are we on the same page?”
Translation:
Do you agree with me? Because you need to.
‘Paradigm Shift’
Meaning: A fundamental change in approach or perspective.
Example: “Our industry has undergone a fundamental paradigm shift over the past 18 months and we need to overhaul the way we operate or we’ll become obsolete.”
Translation:
We’re really falling behind.
Pipeline
Meaning: Prospects or deals lined up to meet the revenue targets of a company.
Example: “How’s your pipeline looking, brother?”
Translation:
I work in sales and am a complete tosser.
‘Synergy’
Meaning: Working together to achieve greater efficiency or effectiveness.
Example: “We all need to work together to ensure operational synergies in the team.”
Translation:
The epitome of corporate wankanese. The buzziest of all buzzwords.
Everyone in the team has something to offer and we should probably embrace that.
‘Touch Base’
Meaning: to briefly connect or check in with someone
Example: “Let’s touch base tomorrow afternoon.”
Translation:
I’ve got my eye on you.