50 Shades of Brown
How to Take Executive Level Poo's
40 painstaking hours under the oppressive glow of LED lighting is a challenging lifestyle. Difficult coworkers, disinteresting projects, and insecure, belittling bosses all make the list.
However, one such challenge stands above all and is so universal to the human experience that we couldn’t not give our two cents. What are we talking about?
The it’s-Monday-morning-and-every-cubicle-is-taken-except-for-the-middle-one-and-you’re-about-to-explode kind of challenge.
You know exactly what we’re talking about, don’t you?
Let’s Set The Scene
It’s Monday. The last vestiges of the weekend make their way through your struggling digestive system.
Saturday night’s Kebab, Sunday’s Zinger box, and this morning’s Cappuccino. You’ve sat down and opened your email when suddenly, the inevitable strikes.
To your demise, the only available cubicle is the middle one, and with no music whatsoever, the silence is palpable.
What follows is a tense waiting game between strangers, each acutely aware of the methane-ridden chemical warfare they’re about to wage on each other.
It’s mutually ass-ured destruction.
How on earth are you meant to improvise, adapt, and overcome all in the space of what, 5 minutes? Any longer and eyebrows start rising.
It seems like an impossible task, fit only for the specially trained. Well, consider this cadet school, because in 5 minutes, you’ll become an honorary member of Seal Team Shit. Let’s begin.
The Goal
Secrecy. That’s it.
You want to get in, drop the payload, and extract to base camp like a shadow in the night.
You’re not just an Account Coordinator, you’re a ghost.
No one can know who's responsible for the Hiroshima-like destruction that’s been dropped in the neighbouring cubicle.
It All Starts At Your Desk
Foresight is invaluable. It’s what separates the top 1% from the bottom 99%.
What does this mean?
When the time comes, don’t just walk off to the bathroom. Pretend you’re taking a phone call.
Why?
If the waiting game takes longer than expected, your prolonged absence has an explanation, reducing suspicion.
Don’t Let the Dogs Out
If you’re going to take one thing away from this email then let it be this.
If you enter the cubicle anonymously, your identity leaks only through your shoes.
How many times have you seen the splayed sneakers of a struggling cubicle buddy?
Or even worse, you lock eyes with them upon return to your desk. Exactly. So hide yours. No one needs to see your now brown Nikes.
Optimal foot placement
Patience is a Virtue
A Sniper doesn’t just shoot. He waits hours for the perfect shot.
When you lock the cubicle door you become Chris Kyle.
Wait patiently.
What exactly are you waiting for?
Opportunity.
Eventually, someone will come in and feed their hands into the Dyson hand dryer.
This is your moment. Push with all your might.
Well, there you go.
The email you never knew you needed.
If you work with an anxious pooper, do them a favor and forward them this email.
We’ll see you next week.